It's time!

Y’all! I have had a weird week! I’m writing to you late yet again. The last time we spoke, I had spent the day inside after a weekend upstate. Unfortunately, that indoor period stretched until Friday evening with only a brief interruption to buy Gatorade for my sick girlfriend. Also, why don’t more people say y’all? I’ve been saying it for years. It’s an inclusive, easy word. Do people just You GUYSSS themselves to their demise?

Meera woke up with what we thought was food poisoning at the start of the week, but she ended up testing positive for COVID-19 along with a few other friends from what ended up being a superspreader getaway. I somehow evaded symptoms and a positive result despite gasp sleeping in the same bed as her, but I stayed inside just in case I was wrong.

I had the famed virus earlier this year (my second time) while living with my friends on the Upper East Side. Through sheer luck and teamwork, neither of my roommates caught the virus while I stayed in the basement eating snacks. Although I missed the outside world, I found pockets of joy. I sought fresh air in the courtyard that no one else in the building seemed to use.

This isolation time felt stranger. First of all, Meera was pretty sick for a few days, and I felt bad that she had to endure life in this state. On top of that, this was her first week unemployed after a job that had her working 12 hours a day plus weekends. She should be basking in boredom instead of checking her temperature.

It’s been almost two years since Meera’s last unemployment period, and a lot has changed since then. I remember being so excited for her to start her career and soon feeling like the person sitting right next to me was worlds away dealing with a problem created by the Internet. Now that her coin has flipped once more, was I careful with what I wished for?

I like change, but it is still hard for me to adjust. Even things that I look forward to can be easy to adapt my actions to but hard to always feel secure about. I am so happy to have more time with Meera, but now we have to build new routines together that I want to make sure are fun for both of us. Harkening back to a few weeks ago, I’m so happy my mom moved into an apartment, but getting used to home being different doesn’t feel as easy as talking about it is.

I do not really remember what I did Monday–Friday this week. It felt like the continuation of a sluggishness I started for myself while in Pittsburgh. The reality I built myself here warped closer to what it was in my past lives. Inside felt like the safest place. I feared fresh air. Nothing could bring me more joy than shows and snacks. I sat at my desk for most of the day trying to work and usually failing. I am procrastinating on this assignment I never got a due date for but should have done earlier and just keep finding other tasks to complete. Other than Meera, I barely talked to anyone.

Some of my pants are not fitting anymore. I should be proud that this is my first weight gain in quite some time and am sorry that I am being a real privileged f*ck right now. I preached in a previous newsletter that your fitness goals should be more about overall health and less about aesthetics, but I am not taking my own advice. It’s cold out, so of course I’m walking less, and the gym feels lightyears away. I should be much more forgiving. Again, I am not great at dealing with change and having my heart and mind line up.

I forget if I or my old therapist first called me a self-optimizer. I am constantly seeking improvement. I think I have all of the cheat codes to life inside me or my network, and all I have to do is access them. This is not true, but this is what I believe is true. Something that’s actually true is that I think about making a change for a long time before actually doing something about it. Another truth is that I only proceed when I am ready.

I’m not sure what sucks more: not knowing a problem or knowing a problem but lacking motivation to solve it. I spent some moments this week upset about several real and non-real problems. I don’t even really remember what that felt like anymore. But at the time, I just felt like I had no way out of self-frustration. I was hungry all day but annoyed every time I had a snack…but also was over the moon getting to indulge in an edible reward for being alive.

Whichever problems I had and continue to have, I somehow barely saw my indoor existence as part of the problem. I felt like the indoors was saving me from the social obligations outside my door. If I can’t leave, I don’t have to talk to anyone or get anything done. I’m not going grocery shopping or hitting the gym. My nails have been unpainted and uneven for weeks. I hate every clothing item I’ve ever owned!

Friday afternoon, I finished a presentation for work and got a call from my friend Ryan. He recently finished a bout with COVID. When I told him I hadn’t been outside in days, he made this one concerned smile he always gives when I tell him something delusional. I don’t live on a busy block and at the very least could have hung out there.

It’s hard for me to change my processes because I ultimately come out okay, and that’s because my self-preservation will eventually kick in. It’s this alarm going off in my head, my own voice saying It’s time! Neither soothing nor jarring. No real alarm of mine could compare. Off-topic: I’ve spent the past few years with the default iPhone alarm because using songs as alarms ruins them for me (ex: “Applause” by Lady Gaga).

It’s time! With Ryan still on the phone, I bid Meera adieu as I stomped my Uggs (yes, Uggs! Deal with it!) down the stairs. As soon as I got outside, every memory of the past few days melted away. Anything that upset me or grounded me or gave me joy was gone. It was just me and the 5 p.m. gusts of wind around the warehouses. I laughed. It wasn’t as cold as it looked. I couldn’t have been happier.

I just start moving. I had no goal, but I eventually completed another one of my end-to-end Bushwick walks. This time, my route was down Broadway until the end of the neighborhood and going down Bushwick Avenue on my way back. Ryan and I talked my entire first leg as trains zipped above me. I spent my way back talking as well. Voice messages to my mom, brother, and friend Jordan before talking to my friend Gabby.

I called Meera as I neared home to scheme dinner. I decided to pick up Lebanese food. During this conversation, I stood still for five minutes. Upon restarting my walk, my entire lower body ached. My heels shrieked in their uggs, quads confused by my moves. Moderation evades me.

I both felt so alone and so in community. A week of true hibernation with weeks retreating beforehand felt broken by this walk. I spent the walk pulling up my pants and sweating through my hoodie and felt amazing. I am so lucky that I had what felt like a true breakthrough moment. I hope it sticks. I obviously still haven’t been back at the gym, but I’ve found more opportunities to walk since Friday. I told Meera today how weird it is that it’s not snowing in a real way here even though it’s mid-December, and she said It’s not 2008 anymore!

I had multiple fellow “New Yorkers” this week call me and ask Why am I so sad right now? and I really think part of it is the suburban urge to drive. When it gets cold, we can still get everywhere through warmth. Now, we must continue to do it all by ourselves. I think the train still counts as by ourselves. I think this is just something I’m getting used to, and maybe if I live here for a long time I won’t have such a dud season.

Maybe I’ll write back to you next week having fallen back into the fatal patterns of coziness. I mean, what can be so bad about days under blankets? Well, clearly a lot if I have so many words to put down about it.

Hi Sydney - how do you strike the right balance between putting your wants first while still acting with care for other people’s feelings? I struggle with the idea that if I go after something I want, I risk hurting someone I care about.

— Practicing my Balancing Act

Hi friend. If you’re asking this, you’re probably not putting yourself first enough. I say this as a selfish person, though. You are already creating the balance just by sending this in. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

I don’t want you losing yourself in someone else’s name. I give you this selfish advice because I assume you’re not thinking about yourself as much as you should!

Want advice from someone as unqualified but possibly more confident than you? Send in a question for Olympic Coaching.