It's almost Valentine's Day

Hi friends! Inspiration has not been striking me this week. I worked 12 hours one of the days this week and have just had multiple days of crazy, constant work. It’s thankfully chilled out, though, and most of my coworkers have been really understanding. But this cog continues to clang about the machine. This is another stream of consciousness, and I’m not editing this entry because I want to get ready for bed.

In trying to think of a topic for this week, I thought Oh, it’s almost Valentine’s Day! So I might as well have some musings about this day of love.

I’ve almost always enjoyed Valentine’s Day. I liked exchanging candy in elementary school. I yearned for affection in middle and high school. I remember being single during this time and hopelessly listening to artists like The Weeknd waiting for someone to adore me. I’ve spent the past four (and about to be five) Valentine’s Days in a relationship, which is quite terrifying.

My first romantic Valentine’s Day was with my ex from college, where we went to a quintessential romantic restaurant in Boston (Sonsie on Newbury Street). The food was mediocre, and we fought the whole dinner about something I forget but kind of wish I remembered for storytelling’s sake. The fighting was commonplace, and I broke up with her on Valentine’s Day the following year while we were dating long distance.

I remember that Valentine’s Day so vividly. My ex and I had been fighting bitterly for the whole week. We were in an open relationship while studying abroad on different continents (her idea), and she kept wanting to break one of the rules I was steadfast about. I kept telling her that her desired encounter would make me sad, and she could not understand how that was reason enough to not pursue this person.

We fought early that morning my time in London (late at night her time), and after hanging up the phone, I decided I was done. I would break up with her that night when she would wake up for her morning. I ran around my dorm ranting to my friends about how this was the last straw, and I could not go back on this promise to myself. I spent the day screaming to every friend in the world, because then I had no choice but to hold myself accountable.

My roommates and I went to this adorable Italian restaurant in our neighborhood for Galentine’s, and the love I had for them and the picturesque life we had in a foreign-ish land fueled my potential independence. I awaited my ex’s wakeup so I could call her and call it quits. This timing was unkind to her, but I felt like I needed a morsel of vengeance after months of feeling crazy.

I went back to the dorm for designated alone time while my roommates clubbed. I called my ex, and we talked for maybe an hour. I was steadfast and cold. Obviously, she did not take it well. We hung up, and I proceeded to cry through about 45 minutes of Marriage Story before getting bored. Choosing Valentine’s Day as the breakup day was coincidental, but I obviously reveled in its pettiness. The world revolved around me on this day.

The next Valentine’s Day, I was already a few months into dating Meera. I’d graduated, I’m in New Hampshire, and it’s the pre-vaccine pandemic. I don’t really have any friends around me yet, and I’m newly into not talking to my dad. Meera and I got takeout from this nice restaurant (The Foundry in Manchester), and she did so many sweet things that day, one of many days I felt so cared for and adored.

In the years since, we’ve had some fun Valentine’s Days, but neither of us remember what we did for 2022. Last year, we were in long distance, so I took a train up to Rhode Island for a day and we stayed in a hotel room downtown. We walked into this extremely fancy restaurant for dinner but decided upon sitting down that it was just…too much. We ended up at a more casual Greek spot a few blocks away (Yoleni’s in Providence) and had the sweetest night.

The flowers, the chocolate, the excuse to go on a date…I like the ritual of Valentine’s Day. In a healthy relationship, it shouldn’t feel too out of the ordinary. The pressure to perform can be awkward to navigate, but I enjoy this capitalistic holiday.

I do think Valentine’s Day is different between queer and straight relationships, but feel free to yell at me about how great your boyfriend is later. I am going to gloat: I think Valentine’s Day is an opportunity for lots of straight people to feel for one day what it’s like to be in a lesbian relationship. Most of the relationships of my subscribers don’t fall under this category, but so many hetero relationships are one-sided, with the woman putting in unmatched effort by a man who thinks having sex is enough romance for him to contribute.

Some straight couples go so over-the-top for Valentine’s Day. I think part of it is a performance for the world around them and for themselves, to prove that they are in a union worth tending. Sometimes it makes me sad thinking about the girls hoping for their boys to spend all of this money and pay attention to them. Then again, I remember wanting that from my ex, and I bet my attempt at a romantic Valentine’s Day performance contributed to us having a bad night.

What a weird balancing act we all do, wanting something special on the day but not so out-of-the-ordinary so that it highlights major relationship gaps. Not wanting to put on much pressure but also knowing the inherent pressure of it being nationwide love day. Hoping that you and your partner want to spend the day in the same way.

However, this day is the best Instagram day of the year. You get to see who broke up, who’s taken — and by who — and how they perform their romance for social media. I cannot express enough how much fun it is.

Instagram often makes me barf at couples and relationships as a whole. So much of relationships as young people is trying to prove to yourself and others that you’re adult enough to be successful at monogamy. My friends know how much I love talking about this.

This is not to negate genuine connections. But after watching my parent’s marriage dissolve and having very few adult relationships I am inspired by, I worry about how young many of us are when we settle down. How long can a connection sustain as the perils of adulthood press on? I come from generations of women who have settled for mediocrity and crappiness, and I deeply fear continuing that generational trend. I talk about this a lot with my live-in girlfriend, who can be as much of a hater as I am. I really hope our Valentine’s Days never get too special as we get older.

Some of my single friends are grappling with this upcoming day. One of my friends is going through one of the most villainous, disgusting breakups I’ve ever seen, and I wish her a thousand powerful orgasms in her near future with people well worth her time. Some friends are planning silly nights together so they have something to do. I feel for them all greatly, not because they are single but because they are not fully satisfied.

I hope you’re comfortable with who you are and are with on Thursday. If you have someone, hold them close. If you don’t, you can always pull a Miley and buy yourself Flowers. Or don’t. Just know that I’m going to see everything on Instagram.