Living in the moment

I think I had one of the best (and probably most expensive) weeks of my year. I don’t know where to start for this a cohesive and engaging narrative. I also don’t feel like I have anything groundbreaking or particularly exciting to say.

It’s summer, it’s Pride Season, I consumed a lot of music this week…but I think all of these are just origins of the best state of being: present!

I’ve talked about being in a funk (or maybe just depressed) and needing to proverbially smoke a J and chill out. Most times I’m depressed it’s (thankfully, I guess) situational, so on the off chance it just appears, I know I need a reset in my routine.

I’m sorry to admit that I’ve reached a new level of Gentrifier Olympics/yuppie heinosity this week: I started taking improv classes. I am even more sorry to admit that I had the best time. I don’t want to talk about it too much because I have classes on Mondays for the rest of summer.

I’ve never done improv before, but I felt slightly prepared because of the bits I have with friends/Meera and also from the on-the-spot writing my jobs have sometimes demanded. One of my New Year’s resolutions is to take a class of some sort, so I’m fulfilling it now. I chose improv because 1. It would be a stable activity on my schedule every week 2. I can meet new people 3. I can learn how to just let go.

My first class did not feel like a first class; we have a lot of experienced theater-y people who genuinely made me laugh the whole time. I thought I would pick one person by the end to hate for the whole time and bond with everyone else because of it (my usual friendmaking tactic, unfortunately), but I actually enjoyed everyone. I felt insecure and intimidated for a lot of the class because I kept comparing myself to everyone else.

I shouldn’t expect myself to be amazing on the first go or any go, which is the whole thing of improv. I need to teach myself to shut my brain off and just play. I don’t really know how to do that. I’ve always been someone living in the future, looking forward to larger life events or better circumstances. I used to be a killer goal setter, but this requires being a bit crazy.

This might sound really outlandish, but I think the refugee mindset my grandma needed to leave North Africa and start a new life still exists in me, whether through nature or nurture. I always think I have the potential to do better or GTFO. If I can think of every possible outcome, it makes me feel like I have power or can change expectations when I fail.

I can’t think of the last time I fully just let go. I get close all the time, fully enjoying times with friends and alone, but I can never shut everything off. The only time I feel completely present, as you know, is through substances both prescribed and procured. My goal for improv shouldn’t be to be funny but to be present — or really just not have a goal at all!

I’m thinking about writing affirmations for myself before class today to help me fully unplug. Another thing I’ve loved about improv is that it makes me want to be more present in all aspects of my life. I have felt the urge to meditate a lot more than usual but am obviously not doing anything about it. I’ve been eating slightly better and working out with more intention. My gym trip on Thursday felt miserable from the walk over to almost my final machine, but I completed everything and felt like such a winner.

Again, it’s only been one class. Who knows what today will bring. It’s nice to find a completely new activity as an adult; I think it’s why I talk about working out so much even if I’m not very good at it. I think it was the perfect way to start out my week to lead with more spontaneity and appreciation.

Performing, in general, requires you to be present. I’ve never been a great actor because I trip up over lines and overthink everything. I saw a promotion Tuesday afternoon for cheaper tickets to see The Wiz, which I sent to some friends. We bought them and were running to the theater hours later, late from already late pre-show bites. We sat down in a flurry, and the lights dimmed right after our butts hit our seats. It almost made me believe in a tangible God. I got to watch some performers absolutely crush some vocals for the next few hours. Do they feel most alive onstage or are they internally robotic from the endless iterations of their performances?

I got to enjoy so much music this week. I wouldn’t want to spend a productive Friday workday any other way than with Charli XCX and Kaytranada’s new albums back to back. I wanted a chill Friday night but instead stayed out dancing until the sun started peeking out. Saturday was Brooklyn Pride, which is my favorite pride because of Park Slope’s wholesomeness and parade happening at sunset instead of midday. Meera and I postgamed at a pride afterparty playing Middle Eastern music. Sunday was Govball — my first-ever music festival.

Sorry to give you just a list of activities. It really does seem like a brag, but this is my semi-public journal. Here’s a real brag: I never got hungover. I’m not sure if I’d say I’m drinking less, but I’m definitely drinking better. I am sober by the time I go to sleep. It’s way more fun this way.

I remember buying tickets for Govball and feeling a tinge of nervousness. When I think of music festivals, I think of mud and hard drugs. I could not ignore this year’s Sunday lineup and decided it was time to make it happen, considering Flushing Meadows Park is accessible by subway.

I would definitely do a one-day experience like this again. I can only be so dirty and use hand sanitizer in place of washing hands post-Port-A-Potty so many times. I had a lot of fun. Honestly, I’m not really in the mood to write today and still have the bottom section to do, so I’m gonna wrap this up.

I learned there are two general types of festivalmaxxers: people who get great spots but only see a few artists or those who see tons of performers, just from the very back. I was the former yesterday, but I think I’d be the latter going forward. I only saw three sets intensely: Chappell Roan, Renee Rapp, and SZA.

I felt like a teenage fangirl crying multiple times during Chappell’s set. She was in Statue of Liberty all-green drag, and it made me wonder if there’s other statues I’d be attracted to if I just opened my mind a bit more. She is such an incredible performer and singer, and I feel like I saw her at such a historic time of her meteoric rise. She debuted a new song called Subway that I really enjoyed. I was so happy to be there and lucky that Meera decided we should start listening to her once we bought festival tix. This also felt like such a huge group of gay people, obviously. It’s still so crazy that I live in a city now where you can take for granted how easy it is to find queer stuff.

I missed the first few Renee songs because I was busy waiting for and eating some surprisingly good tacos. I don’t listen to her music because it’s not really my style; you can tell she’s a theater kid in every song. This makes a great live performer, though, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I love her online persona and have been stanning since The Sex Lives of College Girls, so I’m happy to watch her thrive.

After Renee finished up and a lot of the audience cleared out, my friend Ria dragged us to the front of a barricade (not at the very front of the stage, but one a bit further back that probably exists to prevent a second Astroworld) where we waited for over an hour before SZA came out. We sat on the ground in a sea of legs standing next to us and befriended two girls who did the same. I was happy I ate earlier so I could be prepared.

SZA has been one of my favorite artists since the beginning of college. I have CTRL almost fully memorized. I’ve been trying to see her, but tickets have always been so expensive. It was amazing to get to see her moderately up close, and she is such a gorgeous performer. I spent the whole day ogling at beautiful women, and she was a great finale. Incredible voice, swoon-worthy smile, and a captivating set that was basically a metamorphic boat. I loved getting to belt out some of my life’s favorite songs with the person that made them.

I don’t want to write anymore and just want to get on with my day! Whatever. Anyway, sorry to brag about my week but it’s all a girl can do today.