I hope this entry satiates you beyond compare…because I won’t be sending an issue out next week. I’m going to Spain this week and am not bringing my laptop (bliss) or want to think about using my hands for anything other than merriment.

I’ll do double duty with a big travel entry the week after, of course. But next Monday night, maybe fill your time well but not well enough that you see no more use for subscribing to my newsletter.

I spent part of my week in Pittsburgh, mostly celebrating my mom’s shop at a lil’ party she hosted. The shop already looks different than the last time I saw it. It’s much more vibrant and colorful, filled with art and polaroids. The last time I was in PA, I made a renewed commitment to fitness that I hoped to continue into the next time I’d return. Here’s how all of that went!

Before moving to New York, I didn’t use a calendar. I was either a wayward college student without a care in the world or a Granite Stater with few concrete plans other than working and grabbing Dunks. After I was here for a few months, Meera was appalled that I still did not use a calendar, which I begrudgingly changed. Unfortunately, I use the inflexible Apple Calendar on my iPhone, and it’s become more of a compass than the iPhone Compass app. The most frequent event I’ve had in 2025 was one I never created on my calendar before then: Kick ass.

If I don’t mention the gym in an entry, is it really my newsletter? After going inconsistently for a while (usually once or twice a week) I told you that I went to the gym for five days on the week of Christmas/Hanukkah when I was home in Pittsburgh. In a sort of New Year’s resolution I tried keeping the momentum going. When my friends and I booked our trip to Spain for the end of March, I set a goal to work out for five days a week until my trip a little over 13 weeks later. Instead of an unsustainable 75 hard, I unintentionally went for a 91 soft.

The first two or three weeks felt incredible, and I was gleefully scheduling out which days I’d Kick ass so I could tell my friends I was busy on Wednesday and actually mean it. The gym has been an important place for me for a little over three years, but I hadn’t been as regimented as I wanted to be. I felt confident I could get through January. Once I finished January, I knew I could finish the challenge. More and more opportunities to Kick ass. It feels like David Goggins-speak, but Kick ass inspired me to do just that.

Was I active for five days a week for 13 weeks? No. Did I achieve my goal? Yes.

Three of those weeks did not hit 5 — when I had some virus right before my birthday and when I was afflicted by the gnarly ingrown hair as well as its subsequent incision. Those weeks I still went to the gym before I got sick/impaired, and I bounced back once I healed from those things. I worked out as often as I was physically able, so I definitely completed my challenge.

A year and a half ago, I made the jump further into the no-excuses zone by nabbing a second gym membership: keeping my cheap Planet Fitness so I can work out pretty much anywhere in America and adding a slightly more expensive weightlifting gym in my area. PF is the Ellis Island of gyms, showcasing all kinds of huddled masses, and my other gym has a lot of fitness influencers popping their tripods up next to them. I love both gyms for different reasons and don’t regret keeping both.

Parts of my routines stayed the same while others evolved. I’m a person who used to consider themselves unathletic and didn’t play sports, learning what my athleticism was through a Planet Fitness membership. I don’t like workout classes because I only want to look stupid on my own and go at my own pace. I developed an intense cardio and lifting routine three years ago that I watered down once I lost weight…and never watered it back up when I gained it again. I created my routines after just trying a bunch of machines at the gym and whatever logic I have is from random sources. Hodgepodge fitness.

I hadn’t done cardio for more than a short warmup in a long time and wanted to get back into it along with my machines. I had three types of days: upper body, lower body, and cardio only. Each machine or exercise I’d do would be three sets of 12 reps.

On cardio days, I’d either do an hour of actual cardio or two hours of walking normally. On strength days, I’d do either 30 minutes of cardio or an hour of walking. I did two ab exercises every strength day, which usually were the crunch machine and that seated ab machine that feels like you’re bowing down.

If you even care:

I mostly listen to reggaeton during my workouts but also had bouts of 80s music or just general upbeat dance music. I always start my workouts with crunches and time it out to “Supernova” by Kylie Minogue, which I actually heard for the first time in a Planet Fitness at the beginning of my gymming tenure. I always end lower body workouts with kettlebell squats and listen to fast, multilingual, bizarre “Arhbo [Music from the FIFA World Cup Qatar 2022 Official Soundtrack]” and slow, inspiring, corny “Ay Mamá” by Rigoberta Bandini. I used to listen to these songs when I started doing assisted pull-ups because they motivated me when I was afraid. Now I don’t need them anymore. I like listening to my favorite songs during workouts that I have to look at myself in the mirror for.

During cardio, I watch TV that’s engaging enough to get my mind off of my workout but stupid enough that I can zone out and not miss much. My main shows for this were rap competition show Rhythm and Flow and Shondaland masterpiece Bridgerton. I’m currently watching this terrible Muslim matchmaking show on Hulu, which sort of fills the void. When I’m walking, I usually listen to podcasts or music — duh!

I tried a bunch of different ways to do cardio: incline walks (my old go-to), elliptical (my new go-to), bike (hurts butt), cushy seat bike (doesn’t hurt butt), rowing machine (for when my legs are sore), and the stairmaster (for when I want everything to be sore). Walking is my favorite, and I’m doing it more now that it’s warmer out.

I usually take 2 hours at the gym: 30 minutes of cardio, 5 minutes of panting, an hour of strength, 10 minutes of stretching, and 15 minutes of who knows what kind of dilly-dallying. Plus, the gym isn’t super close to my house and usually takes up some walking time. I usually went after work, but I felt motivated enough to go in the mornings sometimes. I was inconsistent with the 2 rest days I chose, but one of them was usually Thursday because of my Spanish class.

I started to see a lot of the same people at my gym, especially this one couple that always seemed to be there but usually were just chatting with people. Most of the regulars are dudes but there are a few very buff girls I see often. I made only one friend, but she started doing Solidcore so I haven’t seen her in a while. Some of my actual friends go to my gym, and it’s nice to work out with them when I see them.

I bought so many Celsiuses from the front desk but have been semi-successfully cutting back on my caffeine intake (only one caffeine drink a day…unless it’s espresso martini night, of course). I was better at drinking less at the beginning of this journey but whatever. I drink fewer nights of the week but I find myself drinking more on the nights I do. I’ve been sleeping more and eating healthier on the whole but, like drinking, have some nights where I just pig out. I also tried to stop eating when I’d get home late weekend nights. I’ve usually been good with that, but last weekend was a return to form (negatively).

The two main new things I tried were the assisted pull up machine and the stairmaster, two machines I was previously afraid of but learned to love. I don’t do the stairmaster as often as I do the assisted pull up. Both make me feel super buff, though. I also did a hot yoga class for the first time last week when I was home in Pittsburgh. While I enjoyed how much I sweat and how good I felt by the end, I felt like I was going to pass out for the majority of the workout. Because of my lightheadedness, I did not hit each vinyasa pose as well as I otherwise would have.

My outfits were super lazy, and I tore the thigh part of three different sweatpants. I do not buy trendy workout wear but have gotten less baggy and modest as time passed. My favorite outfit combo remains sports bra x baggy pants. I tried to take thirst traps in the gym bathroom mirror after every workout, especially upper body day. I know no poses. I was only caught taking them once.

It’s kind of hard to remember what it felt like at the beginning because I’ve really built routines. I stopped making plans with people outside of appointment TV viewing and people’s parties, and scheduling workouts got easier once I stopped presenting and receiving plan offers near the end of January. There have also been a bit of relationship changes within my friend groups from a few friend breakups to suddenly everyone I know having a significant other. I definitely backed off from most of my relationships for the sake of the winter grind.

I felt like a workhorse in all the best ways. I’d write my newsletter (usually starting it earlier in the week), hit the gym, and go to Aimee’s yin yoga classes (she stopped teaching them and I haven’t been motivated enough to find a substitute) all in one night. Getting through my podcast listening schedule was way easier with all of this time to walk, stretch, and take longer showers. Other than my usual news, I was reading The Power Broker between all of this.

I was so happy to not make plans with people and stay in my little world. When I did hang out with friends, I found myself wanting to end my night early more often than before. I feel like I’m getting back into being social as the winter thaws, though. I think I talked to my mom more during this time than usual because I’d usually call her on my walk home.

One thing I wanted during this time was to remember things more. When people ask me what I’ve been up to, I have no idea what to respond and usually look at my calendar or camera roll to remember the things I’ve done. When that event is Kick ass, it’s all pretty much the same. You’d think I’d be better at remembering the things that happened outside of the ass-kicking, but my memory did not get better. I caught up with a friend this weekend I haven’t seen in maybe two years and had trouble answering. Please!

This definitely is not a healthy outlook (and I knew this when I had it), but my initial motivator for starting this challenge was to lose weight and, especially, get skinnier. Obviously, do not take inspiration from me! If I stumble upon a picture of myself in 2023, I don’t recognize that tiny girl. I see myself in group pictures with my friends today and think I look strange. I can be pretty vain and found myself taking less pictures of myself because I didn’t like how I looked. I felt like I wasn’t living a wildly unhealthy life and was frustrated that I was at the same weight as I was while depressed and not working out. My top two objectives were to lose weight in my face and fit into my clothes again.

Some friends would ask me why I started this challenge and I would answer honestly, and my answer seemed to (rightfully) make them uncomfortable. I’d still rather be real about it then lie. I wanted my external to match what I know I’m capable of and what I thought I was working towards anyway as a happy, active, curious person. I’m not some 13-year-old looking at models and am aware that every corporate and political force wants us to crave skinniness. Nevertheless, I sometimes can’t get things done unless they feel dire, and hatred felt more urgent than love here.

I also — delusionally — think I find the self-hatred from a perverted self-love angle, perceiving my negativity as more of self-frustration. My thought process is less I’m ugly and unlovable! and more Ugh, you know you can look better than this if you try harder! Thankfully, the frustration and hatred melted away pretty quickly once I realized I wasn’t going to wimp out on this lifestyle change.

I used to be motivated by self-love and wanting healthier routines, but that motivation wasn’t getting me to keep those healthier routines anymore, so I tried using self-hatred to motivate me. I think that hate-ivaiton was there for the first few weeks and was replaced by something healthier once I revived my routine after my January flu. I almost immediately started liking what I saw in the mirror again, which remains much more of a motivator than any sort of public perception.

I don’t usually weigh myself because I don’t want to get fixated on a number that doesn’t have to matter too much. I did weigh myself last week, and I lost somewhere between 5–10 pounds. Part of me thought the number would be bigger, part of me expected this because my clothing size hasn’t changed. Part of me was frustrated and part of me wasn’t since I expected my muscle buildup to yield less weight loss. Overall, the number hasn’t really affected me or taken away from how great completing this challenge felt.

Did I learn anything from this? I didn’t really learn anything about my body or body image; I felt like crap, set a goal I knew that would make me see myself in a better light, and did it. I had a hypothesis and proved it. The next time in my life I have to hunker down at the gym, I hope I don’t need self-hatred to get me there. I didn’t really learn anything new about how fitness and activity make me feel since these are things I’ve already known for a while.

If I learned anything, it’s that this type of gym routine (mixed in with other commitments to wellness) prevented my winter depression. Obviously, physical activity does make us happier, and forcing myself to go outside almost every day to do it made winter feel less daunting. Almost every workout had me feeling good when I left, except for when I was getting sick or didn’t eat enough beforehand.

The malaise is just around the corner, though. Without consistent yoga and The Power Broker, I’m starting to feel a bit mentally aimless again and need a new goal or creative outlet. I’m having that feeling again of feeling like I’m not contributing anything to the world and could give more of myself to something meaningful.

Now that I’ve completed this challenge, I need to figure out what my fitness routine will be going forward. I’ll figure it out once I return from Spain, but I think it will slightly less rigorous than what I’ve been up to. I’ll probably be a bit more social, but hopefully not stretching myself too thin.

I love making a party out of anything, so I celebrated my last official challenge day with a big walk and included a random smattering of friends that didn’t all know each other. We walked to Cobble Hill, stopping in Fort Greene Park and getting lunch at the Dekalb food hall nearby. After some members peeled off, the rest of us continued through bookstores and boutiques before grabbing a lil’ drink at Zombie Bar. My friend Noor thought it would be funny to post a picture from the tiki bar and tag the location as Waikiki Beach. Enough people thought I was actually in Hawaii that I had to post again clarifying that I was not. I doubt Honolulu has brownstones!

My friend Claudia needed to get a train at the World Trade Center, so the two of us ended up walking from the bar across the Brooklyn Bridge to the Oculus. It was my first time seeing the inside IRL, and it was pretty and pretty scary. I feel like it would exist in the Severance universe? All of us had a great walk and had fun with each other. It was the perfect way to cap off this commitment to myself.

I hope to do something like this again next winter because I think it will continue preventing seasonal depression. Although I’m very happy, I don’t feel as accomplished as I thought I would by this point. I optimistically think it’s because this is just the beginning of a healthier lifestyle that doesn’t have to end!