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I lose my voice every weekend, but now I have a sore throat to accompany it. Hibernating today and tomorrow before — despite my wardrobe not getting the memo yet — Halloween begins. It really feels like fall now in a way I’m loving. I’m not sad to put on a jacket or scared that I won’t gauge the temperature right like I was a few weeks ago.

In the middle of last week, I started The Artist’s Way. If you know what that is or have done it, you’re probably rolling your eyes. If you haven’t, it’s this 12-week program through a book that has all of these readings and activities to spark your creativity. It’s for artists in a rut, people who don’t consider themselves creative at all, or people who want to expand their creativity. Even Doechii did it. I’m in a group with a few of my friends who are all reading at the same time.

I could go on and on already about how this book is rewiring my brain. I think it will make this newsletter better, or at least it will make it more fun for me to write. I like how it’s challenging me to look at my writing differently, but it’s also reviving old artistic pursuits and helping me discover totally new ones.

I could probably write a newsletter each week on what it’s making me think about, but one thing I’ll share with you is that I don’t want to share too much about it yet. Plus, I hate to be this Tweet more than I already am:

I want to keep a lot of this Artist’s Way for me (or you if you ask me in life — just not the newsletter yet). That being said, stuff I’ve been doing for it inspired this entry.

January 28, 2016 was the day before my birthday. I’m a junior in high school navigating the usual whateverness when Rihanna drops ANTI, and I immediately listen through all of it. I’ve always liked Rihanna from the radio, singing chains and whips excite me like every other angel child, but never cared to listen through a whole project before.

Have you ever been chained to an album or artist, unable to listen to anything else? For three whole months, the winter raged and thawed out before I could hear another song. Transfixed is an understatement. I didn’t even like all of the songs at first, and eventually each of them were my favorites at different points. I learned something new each listen, about the lyrics or production or love. I was obsessed with the album and in love with being obsessed with it, too! It made me cooler to myself and made me feel like I knew something about the life I couldn’t have yet but wanted. I was months out from a situationship that shouldn’t have taken me as long as it did to get over and realized I was ready to fall in love for the first time. This album helped me explore the exciting and scary parts of love from the comfort of my headphones.

It’s been almost 10 years since ANTI came out. I’ve never stopped loving the album even though I now listen to a lot more music than the same 16 Rihanna songs. The last time I listened in its entirety was on a family beach trip a year or two later while I luxuriated in the bathroom’s whirpool tub. I hadn’t heard it in awhile and fell back in love with it.

I heard an ANTI song on an old playlist during one of those I love New York <3 moments walking through Williamsburg this weekend and thought it would be fun to listen through the whole thing again. I planned to just walk and listen, taking notes if something struck me.

Instead, my thumbs barely stopped moving. I translate those bullet points to sentences here.

Enjoy an album review that’s 10 years late. It’s not really a real review, though, because it’s me writing for myself, someone who’s heard every song. I’m not going to teach you Rihanna. Listen along as you get ready for bed.

One of many life-changing songs on this album. It sets such a groovy, independent (or wannabe independent in other songs) tone. It feels the least like a blast from the past because I still listen to it often enough. This was my (and many others’) first intro to SZA, another artist that changed my life. It’s the first song and one of my first favorites, setting me up to fall in love with the whole album the way I did. Its frustration and contemplation spoke to me. The first notes sound like kicking a rock along the sidewalk, and the chorus rocked my world. Hearing when I look outside my window I can’t get no piece of mind sung all gooey feels like the Cynthia Erivo gif.

This felt like a song that was cool to like as a high schooler with this brand of Bonnie-and-Clyde romance. It feels like a deeper red than the album cover, packing the coziness and warmth and velvet the way you want to be loved. You can feel the contentment in the chaos, the danger of here come the police. I appreciate the womp wompy harmonica at the end that you usually hear in 80s love songs. Still one of the best sub-minute-thirty songs ever.

A flawless song, like I almost don’t even know how to talk about it. Man fuck your pride! It has the charm of 80s ballads without feeling like a full throwback. THE BRIDGE! The ad libs from there on out. Aaaahuuuuh what are u willing to do? And the ultra-passionate guitar you barely hear as the song fades out is delicious.

I mean, this is the radio hit (or at least the first one — “Needed Me,” “Kiss It Better,” and “Love on the Brain” all blasted from my mom’s Toyota). You’re immediately ready to gyrate. I think this album is so awesome because its all about confidence, Rihanna knowing and relearning that she deserves better than any bullshit dudes. Rise to her occassion! Foundayyyshun. The whine and whine of the lyrics are kind of incomprehensible for the white American ear, which is fun. Drake feature is of course insane. I relate to him here. No one else could do this verse. If you had a twin I would still choose you is classic drake. I love every fadeout song on ANTI. Is every song on the album a fadeout? You get less of those nowadays.

I remember not loving this one very much at first but, like all the songs, eventually had an era with song that belongs on some action movie soundtrack. Leeeeeeeevin mebehind. The repetition of there ain’t nothin here for me redeems an otherwise blah chorus. I just noticed the oooohs in the back of the second verse maybe for the first time. The line we share common interests, too is annoying. Just wanouttahereyeah. I forgot how long this song is, and it’s probably my least favorite today.

This was the song that made me the most excited when it came on. I remember HATING it at first, but it’s actually a masterpiece once you listen to the album 20,000 times. It confused me a lot. The Travis Scottiness with that violin swinging technique that I forget the name of pissed me off, but Ri comes in to slay right after. Sin for meeeee I thought was symphonyyyy. I like when she sings it the third time that spans a few notes then adds a woo. I like the stilted effect on her voice. Verse 2 feels completely different in a way that makes the song feel more masterpiecey because its the most conventional part of the song right when you need an anchor. I DONT EVEN REALLY LOVE YOU…just an epic bridge! I like that we don’t hear any words out of Travis. This song just feels different than the rest of the album, the furthest from any of the other songs.

You here the wuh wuh wuh wuh opening and know whats about to happen. Mustard. On the. Beat. Hoe. It’s a great radio song, and maybe most conventionally poppy of the whole album — definitely more than the more popular “Work” because of its conventional structure. We needed this stability after the craziness of “Woo,” just movin’ and groovin’ along like pretending your hand is moving along the side of the highway out of the car window. I love how over it she is here. I love how she usually perverts the second verse; thats what keeps her stuff good. Most pop songs do that, too, I guess, but she completely breaks structure instead of tweaking what she already has. Love the ad libs near the end. Uhuhuhhhh yeeeeeeah. Song ends on a whimper.

Sexiest song on the album and was instrumental for playlists I’d make that no one would hear. I want you to homicide it like yeah. I appreciate the fakeout of Yeah I think I kinda like u :3 …up against the wall / we don’t need a title. Just being adored by someone you’re enjoying but know ultimately you have the power over. You could be rough, boy, but you won’t. I appreciate the piano end.

My heart broke months after obsessing over this album when I found out this was a Tame Impala cover because — once I emerged from the three-month, ANTI-only fog — this was my favorite song. She doesn’t even change the instrumentals or anything! Whatever, I love the ominousness, the smokiness, the melancholy. An apparition approaches. I had to stop by the grocery store to get shredded cheese, and I can’t even go in because I have to stand outside and give this song its due. Agh, the sitar sitch! The transition into the chorus is scratches such an itch. Stop thinkin bout the only actionnnnnn~~~ I really love the lyrics of this second verse:

Wow, I really love this song so much. What does it mean to love a cover more than the OG like this? Lana’s “Doin’ Time” and Glee’s “Gives You Hell” gave me the same reaction. The bridge when she goes high! Then the instrumental breakdown! That chunk really shows what’s like when you’re percolating and overthinking but eventually rise above. Wait, actually this is a Rihanna song because its all about claiming and reclaiming yourself. It fits seamlessly with everything else.

I love ‘em all, but this is one of the weaker songs. It has a throwback quality, but not like the 80s influences I feel elsewhere in this album — maybe aughts acoustic songs? It’s a very distant cousin of “Kiss Me” and “Somewhere Only We Know.” The cyclical melodic pattern feels like the title. This is the sleepy part of the album, but I like how it makes the last chorus feel urgent without much effort other than that slight bang. I enjoy the final soft harmony. The song sounds nurturing, but the lyrics are a bit scary, which sets us up for…

Oh my god. Now for a perfect song. This rocked me in an insane way when I first heard it. This was my first favorite when I first listened to this album almost a decade ago, and I still don’t know how to talk about it. It stuns me to this day, especially when I’m alone. You love when I fall apart so you can put me together and throw me against the wall. How is it that Rihanna exudes confidence even when talking about strife and abuse? I love the dude backup singers. Chorus. Chills. Love all her little uhs and woohs as punctuation, defying any public speaking class rules. This is quite a sad, kinda scary song. Baby keep lovin me, just love me and the rest of that post-chorus is haunting if you are hypnotized from the jump like I am. Murder song! Her weakness and breathiness in verse 2 shows her losing it. This song is definitely the album’s climax. I really forget how much these songs still can grip me; they feel nowhere close to as effective when I hear them in a group and/or out in the wild. That last top-of-the-chorus run…I love Rihanna ballads.

I don’t remember if this song was one if I immediately loved or hated, but it is so vulnerable and effective (even though the verses sound like they could be sung by anyone else). It feels like she’s acting but also does feel raw. The throw in her voice. The surrender. The drunkenness. The old saloon sound with the violin, probably the same one she mentioned she was tired of being played by in “Love On The Brain.”

Aughh. The piano fluttering like a hummingbird. This is kind of what we expect from a Rihanna’s ballad. I adore how she runs between each note. I wanted to sing the chorus immediately and was luckily on a barren stretch of Morgan. It’s not an innovative chorus by any means, but that’s why it works for wanting to sing along. There are lots of lil’ instrumental riffs at the end that are kinda hard to hear, but I like those last few weird piano thoughts. This is the end of the non-deluxe album, and there isn’t a better place for the ending or way to get us back to earth. I used to confuse it a lot with “Never Ending” when the album first came out, but I learned that this was the one I liked better.

I didn’t like this one at first. The unintelligible robotic skipping Florence (of the Machine) pissed me off, but I like it now. It really feels like a plane taking off or a car driving out of the Fort Pitt tunnel. But maybe its a New York song because of the gotham of it all? It has the frigidity. I just remember back in the day wanting to hear Rihanna in this song, or at least some structure and lyrics. I kept waiting for the song to arrive, but I was looking at it wrong.

Another song I didn’t get at first, like we’re just in the silly end part. I eventually loved it and its evil clubby vibes. But it also feels like a daytime song. Oyeayeayeayeyyaeyeyea in the background is so whiny. I don’t want to hear the word flaccid in a song. Take a phO-ohTO-oh. The song could be a minute shorter and not be missing anything. Random sound effects. She really DGAF on this song.

Ah, the perfect conclusion. The aural embodiment of the ✨ . These are affirmations and manifestations. Virgin Syd lived vicariously through this song, and I still listen semi-frequently. Love the wind-down and trills before You know i got the SAUCE. It’s such a BOUNCY song, like a video gamey bounce. Even if I’m alone / sex with me, so amazing. The way the song ends like a long goodbye out the door is a distant relative of one of those 20-people reggaeton outros. Almost. And what a way to end. The whole album is about this real closeness and refleciton but has this surfacey Y’all are so obsessed with meeee! ending. As if we needed a reminder of Rihanna’s sexiness!

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