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Table of Contents
Hi friends!
I lose my voice every weekend, but now I have a sore throat to accompany it. Hibernating today and tomorrow before — despite my wardrobe not getting the memo yet — Halloween begins. It really feels like fall now in a way I’m loving. I’m not sad to put on a jacket or scared that I won’t gauge the temperature right like I was a few weeks ago.
In the middle of last week, I started The Artist’s Way. If you know what that is or have done it, you’re probably rolling your eyes. If you haven’t, it’s this 12-week program through a book that has all of these readings and activities to spark your creativity. It’s for artists in a rut, people who don’t consider themselves creative at all, or people who want to expand their creativity. Even Doechii did it. I’m in a group with a few of my friends who are all reading at the same time.
I could go on and on already about how this book is rewiring my brain. I think it will make this newsletter better, or at least it will make it more fun for me to write. I like how it’s challenging me to look at my writing differently, but it’s also reviving old artistic pursuits and helping me discover totally new ones.
I could probably write a newsletter each week on what it’s making me think about, but one thing I’ll share with you is that I don’t want to share too much about it yet. Plus, I hate to be this Tweet more than I already am:
I want to keep a lot of this Artist’s Way for me (or you if you ask me in life — just not the newsletter yet). That being said, stuff I’ve been doing for it inspired this entry.
My favorite album of all time
January 28, 2016 was the day before my birthday. I’m a junior in high school navigating the usual whateverness when Rihanna drops ANTI, and I immediately listen through all of it. I’ve always liked Rihanna from the radio, singing chains and whips excite me like every other angel child, but never cared to listen through a whole project before.
Have you ever been chained to an album or artist, unable to listen to anything else? For three whole months, the winter raged and thawed out before I could hear another song. Transfixed is an understatement. I didn’t even like all of the songs at first, and eventually each of them were my favorites at different points. I learned something new each listen, about the lyrics or production or love. I was obsessed with the album and in love with being obsessed with it, too! It made me cooler to myself and made me feel like I knew something about the life I couldn’t have yet but wanted. I was months out from a situationship that shouldn’t have taken me as long as it did to get over and realized I was ready to fall in love for the first time. This album helped me explore the exciting and scary parts of love from the comfort of my headphones.
It’s been almost 10 years since ANTI came out. I’ve never stopped loving the album even though I now listen to a lot more music than the same 16 Rihanna songs. The last time I listened in its entirety was on a family beach trip a year or two later while I luxuriated in the bathroom’s whirpool tub. I hadn’t heard it in awhile and fell back in love with it.
I heard an ANTI song on an old playlist during one of those I love New York <3 moments walking through Williamsburg this weekend and thought it would be fun to listen through the whole thing again. I planned to just walk and listen, taking notes if something struck me.
Instead, my thumbs barely stopped moving. I translate those bullet points to sentences here.
ANTI
Enjoy an album review that’s 10 years late. It’s not really a real review, though, because it’s me writing for myself, someone who’s heard every song. I’m not going to teach you Rihanna. Listen along as you get ready for bed.
Consideration
One of many life-changing songs on this album. It sets such a groovy, independent (or wannabe independent in other songs) tone. It feels the least like a blast from the past because I still listen to it often enough. This was my (and many others’) first intro to SZA, another artist that changed my life. It’s the first song and one of my first favorites, setting me up to fall in love with the whole album the way I did. Its frustration and contemplation spoke to me. The first notes sound like kicking a rock along the sidewalk, and the chorus rocked my world. Hearing when I look outside my window I can’t get no piece of mind sung all gooey feels like the Cynthia Erivo gif.
James Joint
This felt like a song that was cool to like as a high schooler with this brand of Bonnie-and-Clyde romance. It feels like a deeper red than the album cover, packing the coziness and warmth and velvet the way you want to be loved. You can feel the contentment in the chaos, the danger of here come the police. I appreciate the womp wompy harmonica at the end that you usually hear in 80s love songs. Still one of the best sub-minute-thirty songs ever.
Kiss It Better
A flawless song, like I almost don’t even know how to talk about it. Man fuck your pride! It has the charm of 80s ballads without feeling like a full throwback. THE BRIDGE! The ad libs from there on out. Aaaahuuuuh what are u willing to do? And the ultra-passionate guitar you barely hear as the song fades out is delicious.
Work
I mean, this is the radio hit (or at least the first one — “Needed Me,” “Kiss It Better,” and “Love on the Brain” all blasted from my mom’s Toyota). You’re immediately ready to gyrate. I think this album is so awesome because its all about confidence, Rihanna knowing and relearning that she deserves better than any bullshit dudes. Rise to her occassion! Foundayyyshun. The whine and whine of the lyrics are kind of incomprehensible for the white American ear, which is fun. Drake feature is of course insane. I relate to him here. No one else could do this verse. If you had a twin I would still choose you is classic drake. I love every fadeout song on ANTI. Is every song on the album a fadeout? You get less of those nowadays.
Desperado
I remember not loving this one very much at first but, like all the songs, eventually had an era with song that belongs on some action movie soundtrack. Leeeeeeeevin mebehind. The repetition of there ain’t nothin here for me redeems an otherwise blah chorus. I just noticed the oooohs in the back of the second verse maybe for the first time. The line we share common interests, too is annoying. Just wanouttahereyeah. I forgot how long this song is, and it’s probably my least favorite today.
Woo
This was the song that made me the most excited when it came on. I remember HATING it at first, but it’s actually a masterpiece once you listen to the album 20,000 times. It confused me a lot. The Travis Scottiness with that violin swinging technique that I forget the name of pissed me off, but Ri comes in to slay right after. Sin for meeeee I thought was symphonyyyy. I like when she sings it the third time that spans a few notes then adds a woo. I like the stilted effect on her voice. Verse 2 feels completely different in a way that makes the song feel more masterpiecey because its the most conventional part of the song right when you need an anchor. I DONT EVEN REALLY LOVE YOU…just an epic bridge! I like that we don’t hear any words out of Travis. This song just feels different than the rest of the album, the furthest from any of the other songs.
Needed Me
You here the wuh wuh wuh wuh opening and know whats about to happen. Mustard. On the. Beat. Hoe. It’s a great radio song, and maybe most conventionally poppy of the whole album — definitely more than the more popular “Work” because of its conventional structure. We needed this stability after the craziness of “Woo,” just movin’ and groovin’ along like pretending your hand is moving along the side of the highway out of the car window. I love how over it she is here. I love how she usually perverts the second verse; thats what keeps her stuff good. Most pop songs do that, too, I guess, but she completely breaks structure instead of tweaking what she already has. Love the ad libs near the end. Uhuhuhhhh yeeeeeeah. Song ends on a whimper.
Yeah, I Said It
Sexiest song on the album and was instrumental for playlists I’d make that no one would hear. I want you to homicide it like yeah. I appreciate the fakeout of Yeah I think I kinda like u :3 …up against the wall / we don’t need a title. Just being adored by someone you’re enjoying but know ultimately you have the power over. You could be rough, boy, but you won’t. I appreciate the piano end.
Same Ol’ Mistakes
My heart broke months after obsessing over this album when I found out this was a Tame Impala cover because — once I emerged from the three-month, ANTI-only fog — this was my favorite song. She doesn’t even change the instrumentals or anything! Whatever, I love the ominousness, the smokiness, the melancholy. An apparition approaches. I had to stop by the grocery store to get shredded cheese, and I can’t even go in because I have to stand outside and give this song its due. Agh, the sitar sitch! The transition into the chorus is scratches such an itch. Stop thinkin bout the only actionnnnnn~~~ I really love the lyrics of this second verse:
Finally taking flight
I know you don't think it's right
I know that you think it's fake
Maybe fake's what I like
Wow, I really love this song so much. What does it mean to love a cover more than the OG like this? Lana’s “Doin’ Time” and Glee’s “Gives You Hell” gave me the same reaction. The bridge when she goes high! Then the instrumental breakdown! That chunk really shows what’s like when you’re percolating and overthinking but eventually rise above. Wait, actually this is a Rihanna song because its all about claiming and reclaiming yourself. It fits seamlessly with everything else.
Never Ending
I love ‘em all, but this is one of the weaker songs. It has a throwback quality, but not like the 80s influences I feel elsewhere in this album — maybe aughts acoustic songs? It’s a very distant cousin of “Kiss Me” and “Somewhere Only We Know.” The cyclical melodic pattern feels like the title. This is the sleepy part of the album, but I like how it makes the last chorus feel urgent without much effort other than that slight bang. I enjoy the final soft harmony. The song sounds nurturing, but the lyrics are a bit scary, which sets us up for…
Love On The Brain
Oh my god. Now for a perfect song. This rocked me in an insane way when I first heard it. This was my first favorite when I first listened to this album almost a decade ago, and I still don’t know how to talk about it. It stuns me to this day, especially when I’m alone. You love when I fall apart so you can put me together and throw me against the wall. How is it that Rihanna exudes confidence even when talking about strife and abuse? I love the dude backup singers. Chorus. Chills. Love all her little uhs and woohs as punctuation, defying any public speaking class rules. This is quite a sad, kinda scary song. Baby keep lovin me, just love me and the rest of that post-chorus is haunting if you are hypnotized from the jump like I am. Murder song! Her weakness and breathiness in verse 2 shows her losing it. This song is definitely the album’s climax. I really forget how much these songs still can grip me; they feel nowhere close to as effective when I hear them in a group and/or out in the wild. That last top-of-the-chorus run…I love Rihanna ballads.
Higher
I don’t remember if this song was one if I immediately loved or hated, but it is so vulnerable and effective (even though the verses sound like they could be sung by anyone else). It feels like she’s acting but also does feel raw. The throw in her voice. The surrender. The drunkenness. The old saloon sound with the violin, probably the same one she mentioned she was tired of being played by in “Love On The Brain.”
Close To You
Aughh. The piano fluttering like a hummingbird. This is kind of what we expect from a Rihanna’s ballad. I adore how she runs between each note. I wanted to sing the chorus immediately and was luckily on a barren stretch of Morgan. It’s not an innovative chorus by any means, but that’s why it works for wanting to sing along. There are lots of lil’ instrumental riffs at the end that are kinda hard to hear, but I like those last few weird piano thoughts. This is the end of the non-deluxe album, and there isn’t a better place for the ending or way to get us back to earth. I used to confuse it a lot with “Never Ending” when the album first came out, but I learned that this was the one I liked better.
Goodnight Gotham
I didn’t like this one at first. The unintelligible robotic skipping Florence (of the Machine) pissed me off, but I like it now. It really feels like a plane taking off or a car driving out of the Fort Pitt tunnel. But maybe its a New York song because of the gotham of it all? It has the frigidity. I just remember back in the day wanting to hear Rihanna in this song, or at least some structure and lyrics. I kept waiting for the song to arrive, but I was looking at it wrong.
Pose
Another song I didn’t get at first, like we’re just in the silly end part. I eventually loved it and its evil clubby vibes. But it also feels like a daytime song. Oyeayeayeayeyyaeyeyea in the background is so whiny. I don’t want to hear the word flaccid in a song. Take a phO-ohTO-oh. The song could be a minute shorter and not be missing anything. Random sound effects. She really DGAF on this song.
Sex With Me
Ah, the perfect conclusion. The aural embodiment of the ✨ . These are affirmations and manifestations. Virgin Syd lived vicariously through this song, and I still listen semi-frequently. Love the wind-down and trills before You know i got the SAUCE. It’s such a BOUNCY song, like a video gamey bounce. Even if I’m alone / sex with me, so amazing. The way the song ends like a long goodbye out the door is a distant relative of one of those 20-people reggaeton outros. Almost. And what a way to end. The whole album is about this real closeness and refleciton but has this surfacey Y’all are so obsessed with meeee! ending. As if we needed a reminder of Rihanna’s sexiness!

This week’s photo is from my heart and home!
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Current fixations I want to mention
Food & Drink
I need to stop picking places that I really really want to try because when I do, they can never measure up (except for dessert places — they do every time). Meera and I were both languishing in our respective offices and thought about doing something extra fun for dinner. I pitched a longshot that she thankfully loved: COQODAQ. Meera and I almost went here for our anniversary because we are both fascinated by it. This restaurant is by the same team behind an obnoxious Korean restaurant I love, and COQODAQ is even more obnoxious. This clubby restaurant (I feel like I can’t say clubstaurant because it’s not a club but has a clubby vibe) feels massive and swanky in a city with so many tiny spots. The premise is my two favorite things — fried chicken and champagne — so I’ve been wanting to try it for awhile. Reservations were booked up, so we arrived at 6:30 to what we were told was a 40-minute wait that ended up just being 10. You walk in and are immediately faced with this line of sexy sinks with all sorts of bougie soaps and lotions. There is a guy working there whose sole job is to stand by the sink and tend to you. I washed my hands in the bathroom like a normal person, but I share that detail so you understand the scene. We were seated outside on a cool night, but the heat lamps were the perfect temperature and distance that I kept forgetting. They have all sorts of fun drinks (Meera got the Alaskan martini, which she (martini-lover) and I (martini-meh-er) loved) but recommend going for the champagne since they allegedly have the largest selection in New York. I chose the cheapest glass and enjoyed it, but I don’t need to have champagne anywhere that their cheapest glass is $27 ever again. I’ve had plenty of glasses less than half the price that I’ve loved the same. The Bucket List is their pre fixe and isn’t a bad deal at $42 per person. However, the amount of dishes they showcase, I wish I left the meal fuller. The food mostly comes out in two waves, and you can add sides for extra. It starts with a small bowl of consomme whose warmth got us so excited for the meal. Round 1: a bucket of wings, an array of sauces, and bowls of banchan (kimchi, scallion salad, and lotus root slices). The basket looks huge because it is overflowing…until you start eating and learn that it’s actually 7 wings in a pile on top of an insert. It’s fun to play with the four sauces from small bottles (loved the salsa verde, honey mustard, and pepper parm but did not like gochujang bbq). Banchan were okay; I liked scallion salad the best, was fine with lotus, and was disappointed in what felt like premature kimchi. Round 2 brought a nice bowl of cold noodles, a side of spicy tteokbokki we paid extra for, and pre-sauced wings — soy garlic, gochujang, or both (we chose both, obviously). Although they were yummy, we could not differentiate between the two flavors. The bigger offense: between two people, we had one wing of each flavor. I know this sounds like a lot of food for a meal, but when I eat wings I pound at least 12 and this meal was less half of that. Everything was yummy but not mind-blowing enough to make it worth leaving still hungry. I did love the end, a cup of lemon frozen yogurt with some passionfruit glaze. I’m happy I went here but will never return on my own volition. When a place sets you up for ultimate swankitude and grandeur (and your mind palace does the same) but doesn’t have the substance to back it up, you leave feeling slightly off. Go for the buzzy atmosphere or if you aren’t paying for anything.
Music
Meera and I made the idiotic but unfortunately seductive decision of ubering home from the West Village late Saturday night. We were in for a long journey ahead of us, and thankfully had Gagandeep as our fair steward. After enjoying a chat, we asked him to play some music he likes. He was skeptical of showing us his music and asked You wouldn’t mind listening to Punjabi rap? I could not think of a better thing to hear crossing over the Williamsburg Bridge. He showed us a few songs and put us onto Shubh, a Punjabi-Canadian rapper who I obviously don’t understand but don’t need to to enjoy. We listened to “Buckle Up” and “Aura” off his newest album, which has hundreds of millions of streams. The instrumentals are rudimentary and repetitive, but I don’t need him to be super experimental for me to bop my head up and down. I just like hearing how he strings words together, and it’s good, simple working music while I crank out this newsletter. Meera later played one of her favorite Arabic songs for a true cultural exchange.
Internet & Pop Culture
There are all sorts of characters on the subway, and we are lucky that this man singing The Weeknd’s “Earned It” to his girlfriend while walking through a station has been caught on tape. The videographer follows them through the station and the elevator as the guy sings loudly with much passion while staring at his girl, who stares right back — speaker blasting the song in hand. I wish I had less shame so I could be a true lover like that.
Television & Maybe Movies
There are plenty of incredible shows I know I would love but need to wait until I’m ready to embark on them. Like with The Sopranos, when I’m ready, I fall hard. I am excited to announce that I am finally watching Gilmore Girls, the perfect fall show. I’m like seven episodes into the first season and enjoying it thoroughly. My mom loves this show and always has things to say about it to me, so I’m happy to finally be understanding it more. I didn’t realize that Melissa McCarthy was in this show, and I kind of feel like her character. I love all the side characters of fictional Stars Hollow, especially the dance teacher as well as Lorelai’s couple goals neighbors (would be such a great couples costume if I had a bigger height difference in my relationship than two inches). I loved Emily as the strict dance teacher in underrated Amy Sherman-Palladino show Bunheads, so I’m also enjoying her in a similar role. I’ve always said that Lena from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants has always been the kind of girl I go for, and it’s funny to see Rory be a similar character…but I also feel like she’s me. Lorelai is both such an awesome and such a frustrating mom. Is she one of the first manic pixie dream girls? The show is just so cozy and fun. Dean is such a cutie. Did Lorelai proliferate coffeeshop culture in our country? Chilton is the perfect name for Rory’s private school. Meera and I accidentally turned on an episode from the third season and couldn’t tell until 10 minutes in — that’s how slow and bundled up this show is. Aside from Lorelai making me cringe sometimes, this is the perfect show to ease into cold weather.
Journalism & Literature
All of the podcasts I listen to are hosted by sensitive men who love Pablo Torre. I feel like I’m getting him shoved down my throat. He’s a sports journalist that looks at sports in a more expanded lens, putting certain events and trends in perspective with our culture. It’s like sports for non-sports people. When I hear that he’s in a podcast I’m listening to, I immediately roll my eyes because it feels like an opportunity for the host to be like Look! I’m a guy that likes guy stuff but also in a more emotional way! Once I get my qualms with the host out of the way, Torre always wins me over with his storytelling (and he seems like a genuinely nice guy). I listened to a Search Engine episode called “The Rage in the Cage” expanding upon this moment in a minor MMA fight when a guy gets out of a headlock on the ground by tickling his opponent’s foot. I was so not interested in this episode at all from the premise, but I was super engaged by the end. Torre starts with talking about little hacks in sports like that but expands into how MMA’s relatively recent rise is emblematic of how men want to see their masculinity. Did you know that Rogan’s podcast started as a show about MMA?
Something I Saw in the Wild
Heartwarming scene as the sun set in Park Slope Sunday night: a birthday party for all to see. I was walking up 7th Ave across from a line of buildings with businesses on the first two floors and apartments on the top. On the second floor of a cleaner, the window took up the majority of the wall, revealing a bunch of people jumping around with balloons. Some people were dancing with them, others throwing them in each other’s faces. It looked like mostly young adults, but I couldn’t tell. I like that we could see but not hear them, which made it feel like more of a secret.

