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I hope you are enjoying your day of what is ideally a day off of work. Although I am not working, my Monday has followed its usual sanity-retaining routine.

I’ve enjoyed seeing other people post pictures of themselves from 2016. I am now old enough to enjoy the semblance of monoculture that era provided. I, too, was there listening to “Controlla” and enduring the middle years of high school. It was our last year before full Trumpdom, after all. Does anyone still add filters to their Instagram pictures? I feel like that died during the pandemic.

It is not a weekend if I am not celebrating someone’s birthday. This weekend’s victim was my friend Georgina, a fellow Mt. Lebanon High School alumna I reconnected with when she interned at my job and has since moved to the city (and is often my ride back to Pittsburgh). She turned 24 with a Partiful invite perfectly named Another Excuse to Celebrate Me. The premise was simple: around 20 girls would mingle in her apartment before we would hit the Lower East Side’s bar selection.

Train closures and delays made this journey harrowing, but I ran into a fellow attendee along the way. We walk in to a camera in my face to capture a reaction to Georgina’s impulse haircut earlier, obviously bangs. She looked great. I brought my own drink and mooched off of others once it ran out. The party featured friends of all eras, some groups and some solos. These are put-together, bubbly girls that mostly live in Manhattan; fellow Brooklyn transplant Noor rightfully said I couldn’t tell who was gay and straight at that party.

I played rage cage for the first time in eons and quietly removed myself in favor of getting to know someone. I would spend the night yapping until the early morning hours brought the party to a close. I bebopped to different groups, solidifying connections with girls I’ve met before and creating ones with those new to me.

It was an overall lovely night, and my confidence got boosted by being showered in compliments for my charm. Someone asked me Do you know that you have insane rizz? and I got to answer yes! I know it internally, and I have been told. I can’t charm everybody, but I make a great first impression.

I believe I am qualified to bestow my knowledge. You didn’t ask, but I’m giving it to you anyway!

Although each interaction is different — group vs. individual, professional vs. personal, platonic vs. romantic — most of the same rules apply. No matter what, you are trying to connect with someone.

Connection-building is a trip up and down the spectrum of dominance and submission. You don’t want to be standoffish but you also want to avoid being a nothingburger. You want to make someone feel like a star, which means catering to their needs. Bask in their starshine and turn on all of your lights to make them brighter. Make them feel safe. Knowing when to lead them around and when to let them cook is an art. Hopefully, there will be moments when you are both smack dab in the middle between top and bottom.

My friend Dev Patel (unfortunately not the actor) is great at meeting people. We went to college together, and he just moved to the city. He’s hit the ground running, reconnecting with his preexisting NY network and maximizing his reach. He has three qualities he looks for in a friend. I really like them and think they’re worth sharing, as they are foundational in getting Dev and probably anyone else to like you:

A lot of these qualities might sound obvious, but you would be surprised by how many people lack them. Setting a positive tone and assuming that someone is good gives them the safety to open up to you. We deal with harrowing interactions and headlines on a daily basis, and it is refreshing to be received warmly.

The only exception to this rule, and it is a light exception, is when you initiate a bond over a mutual dislike. We’ve all befriended someone over despising the same coworker, teacher, or peer. However, this foundation is shaky and can only work if you reinforce it with extra sweetener. If there is nothing more than gossip and negativity, it can bite you in the butt down the line.

Kindness is at the core of all of the following tips. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Being unapproachable comes from perceived coldness, disinterest, and often snobbery. Although this works for popular girls in movies, it is actually cool to be kind. Someone who thinks otherwise has shut themself out of deep, meaningful connections. Driving a connection with someone because of fear or a desire to prove them wrong does not foster equality in the relationship. Instead, look at this archetype with curiosity, and maybe they will open up.

Being interested in someone and getting them to talk at length about their lives not only is key in bond-building but should be fun. I don’t think that basic questions about work, residence, or origin are inherently boring, although I would not recommend starting with job stuff (unless this is a professional relationship). I’ve found that starting with simple attributes about people is enough to lead to further conversation, whether you find similarities (We’re both from the Midwest!) or naturally have more questions about someone’s different lived experience (Is being the middle child exhausting?).

Continue with questions about positive, fun things. Ask about their hobbies and favorite things. You can build a whole friendship off of liking the same team or show. Seeing someone talk about their passions can be one of the most intimate, beautiful things.

Curiosity about others is linked to your curiosity about the world. The media and literature you take in, the places you’ve been, this knowledge base can help you know where to steer next. However, you can be a dummy and still charm the pants off of someone as long as you hone a journalistic ability to keep someone talking. Obviously, you, too, must share how you relate to these subjects when the time is right, but prioritizing the other person remains essential.

No one likes a loser. Don’t let deferring to your conversation partner throw yourself off your axis. Lacking integrity and opinions makes you boring. We all are aimless at different parts of our lives, but that does not mean irreversibly losing your desire for happiness, structure, or meaning. Being intentional is linked to being present, and it’s hard to make a great impression when you’re only half there.

At the very least, be intentional within the conversation. The best intention is to learn about someone. Other intentions could be meeting someone you like or securing a positive career connection. It’s not wrong to want someone to like you, but when that intention supersedes all others, you’ve lost your way.

Be who you are! You can embellish being interested in something someone is talking about, but being vulnerable is important. I don’t mean vulnerable in the sense of oversharing (although it certainly can be done right with the right person); I mean willing to share parts of yourself so someone can connect with you. When you put your guard down, you give someone an opportunity to meet you where you are. Being likable isn’t about always about being the most impressive person in a room. Authenticity is a way to tell someone that you trust them.

I think I’m good at being the right kinds of vulnerable with people. If I’m uncomfortable in a room, nervous about something, or don’t know anyone else there, I am willing to share that with someone if it feels safe to do so.

Something I do that might sound manipulative is to share things that sound vulnerable but are things I’m very comfortable sharing, things that others might not be comfortable to share (I totally embarrassed myself doing XYZ; I don’t talk to my dad; Before I came here, I didn’t know about XYZ). Being vulnerable encourages others to be vulnerable, too, but time it properly.

I pride this as one of my greatest qualities, and it comes from knowing what it feels like to not be included. Learn everyone’s names and say them back. Physically embrace someone, a strong handshake if this is at work and a hug if this is anywhere else. Offer to get someone a drink for them or discreetly tell them to push down the tag flipped up from the back of their shirt. When you’re in a group, talk to every single person. Even just look at everyone in the eyes. Frequent eye contact is one of the most effective ways to come off well. Inclusivity is a child of kindness and curiosity; be without judgment and make sure everyone’s voice is heard. When someone starts telling a story and the rest of the group trails elsewhere, make sure you are nodding along to allow that person to finish their thought.

I can’t teach you to be funny, but being it makes everything easier. At the very least, smile and laugh at the right stuff. Curiosity can make someone laugh, too. Funny things naturally happen all around us.

Yes, and. Improv skills are honed every day just by talking to people. Be adaptable to someones needs and try to anticipate them. Offer to escalate and change things when necessary. If you are feeling it, they might be feeling it, too. Should we just leave? Do you want to dance? Let’s go over there. Maybe we should go together to that Indian restaurant you talked about.

Your physical self can help make a great impression. I’m not saying you have to be a model or look good enough to eat. How you look and carry yourself is one of the first judgments people make about you. Your confidence is attractive, and looking how you want builds your confidence. Wear something you feel hot in, however you define hotness. Pick a fun perfume. Be clean (unless this is a physical endeavor you’re talking to someone at). Stand up straight-ish. A great conversation starter can begin with a compliment to what someone is wearing. Whenever I don’t know what to say to someone or need to get my bearings, I compliment a part of someone’s outfit. Everyone likes to hear a compliment, especially about something they have chosen.

We all want to be liked by at least one person, right? At the very least, someone in our family, a best friend, or someone to love. For many of us, this desire to be liked seeps into all of our conversations. This can help us in making a great first impression, but it can also prevent us from doing so. If we bend truths or are fake with someone for the sake of likability, we are not building a relationship with good intentions — and people can often sniff that out.

Not everyone is going to like you, and that is okay. You can’t always make a great first impression, whether it’s because you slip up or you’re talking to someone impenetrable. However, no one can put you down if you are being who you really are, and I believe most people really are well-intentioned.

Before my friend Allie’s birthday the other week, a bunch of us put each other on a matrix with four quadrants. I don’t remember what all four of them were…magnetism, charisma, authenticity, likability? Something like that. They are all similar but differ based on how much someone is willing to give in a conversation. We all have the potential to be all of them.

A great philosopher once said A friend to all is a friend to none. I don’t think that always has to be the case, but working a room means assuming that anyone there has the potential to be an ally. Not everyone is. When you find the right people, you keep the connection going so long as they want it to continue. Don’t ditch a conversation with someone in favor of hopefully finding greener grass unless you are talking to the human equivalent of a Dust Bowl-era yard in Kansas. Making a great first impression comes with giving someone a full chance to interest you and allowing them the same privilege with you.

Now, how to keep that impression going past the first time? I’m always game to learn more about that.

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